Saturday, September 19, 2009

Under The Spotlight

Everything has to start from somewhere. So where do I start?

Well, I'm starting to go on TV series binges. Gossip Girl Season 3 is airing, both in the US and on cable TV here, but since my dad is monopolizing the boob-tube most of the time, I'm once again taking advantage of this little thing they call the "torrent". Haha. Oh, and yeah, I watch Gossip Girl. So gay, I know, especially for me. It was a former friend's fault. And apparently I found Gossip Girl so good I'm still watching it long after that person and I stopped talking. Talk about bitter endings. [Hey, if you happen to drop by, I kind of miss being friends with you. I'm serious.] But what the hell. Let sleeping dogs lie and eventually die.

I have also fallen in love with this amazing fabulous series called GLEE, courtesy of my girlfriend. Can't get enough of it. It's a musical. And apparently everyone in the series sings. It really is great--it's the kind that makes you want to sing and dance along. They make Kanye West (yeah, that jackass, as Obama said) sound good. Trust me. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.

Watch. Now.

I just finished watching the third episode a while ago. And it was all about confidence. It got to me, I guess. You see, I kind of have to do an intermission number for an org event in school. I'm still hoping they find someone else, because I have no idea why I said yes. I haven't seriously sung in public in years and I think I've developed a bad case of stage fright.

Or maybe it's just a lack of confidence. The thing is, singing is just one thing. I just have an issue of sorts--let's just say I'm not secure as I should be. There's always this feeling that I can't get past mediocrity. With everything. With music, with writing, with my relationships with people. Whatever I have, whatever I give--just not enough. Okay lang, puwede na. But never really that good.

I don't know why I got to feeling this way. Or maybe I do, but I'm not sure. Funny thing is, writing about it feels weird. It's not like those issues that people have that they repress, or that happens subconsciously and they never admit it. I know and I'm telling the whole world wide web. But why can't I seem to do anything about it?

All the world's a stage, as good old Shakespeare says. And apparently I've lost my stage presence. When I'm up there, or just here, I see people looking at me, waiting. They're waiting for me to do my thing, and they're expecting it to be good. I feel like I don't have the right to screw up. Which, in retrospect, is one of the things that make me screw up.

I have to find it. Just don't know where or how, but I know I don't want to stay scared. The world is a stage, and hell, I wanna be a rock star.

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