FAIL Better

I've been gone for another while. My apologies, life kind of got in the way. Academic life, I mean. The last week of my sem was a seemingly endless downpour of papers, papers, and some more papers. Luckily, I got through it, and now I have more or less a week and a half before I have to go back to the toxic, mind bending UPM life.

I miss it already, actually. I'm not exactly a workaholic, but I could manage a week of staring at a computer screen, reading, shit-talking my way through papers, and gulping down bottle after bottle of Lipovitan. But I can't quite deal with hours and hours of nothing to do, no one to go out with, and everything to think about. Movies, every TV series I could think of, endless games—I'm just so tired of it. I've been meaning to write, but I've been putting it off, since my brain felt literally exhausted. I felt like I ran out of words for a while.

And then there's this other thing. I've been thinking about me, my relationships. Well, one in particular. Lately, I've been putting such a strain on the person I value most, and it's because of this irrationally insecure side of me that I can't ditch. I've been so busy comparing myself to others—and thinking about how I don't even come close—that I've quit trying.

That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged for so long too. I felt like I didn't have anything good enough to say, so I didn't even start. I don't know why I'm like this with the people—and things—that I love most. I want so much to be the best that it feels like an all or nothing deal. I keep on waiting for the right time, for when it's all perfect and proceeding according to plan.

Who am I kidding? That's never going to happen.

Let's face it. Life is unfair. I'm never going to get that edge. I'm going to have to earn it. I'll just have to keep trying—and die trying if I need to. So, I'm still a failure. I'm not great; hell I'm not even good.

But I think, that nobody is perfect, really. And the few people who seem have it all good are bastards who managed to grab all the luck. Haha. But really,  I don't take it against them. For us normal people, failure is a fact of life. So if you're not failing, you're probably not even trying enough. Live a little. Try and fail some more.

  Just keep swimming. Or something like it.

And besides, there are just some things (and, say, a certain person who happens to be YOU), that I love too much to quit on. So I'm back. Yeah, you know what I mean.

Where Are You Going?

Don't hide away like an ocean
that you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of the waves crash down

I've gone missing for a few days, for two main reasons. One is that our internet connection sucks bigtime. Haha. It was down for two days, hence my social networks have all been abandoned.

Reason number two is that I've taken to volunteering in the past three days. Since Tuesday, I've been in UP Manila, repacking goods for distribution to Cainta tomorrow. It's sad that my parents didn't allow me to volunteer for deployment. But well, I'm glad I was able to make the most out of my week-long break. Unfortunately, making the most out of my week does not include finishing (or even starting on) any of my academic requirements. Am gonna have to cram during the weekend after all. *Sigh*

* * * * *

After a particularly dragging (and ever so slightly awkward), but fulfilling day in school, I went straight to watch and help set up for a gig somewhere in Makati. It was more of tambay time than helping out. I went there to clear my head, but as usual, I couldn't squeeze an ounce of insight from Borgs and his band mates. At least the music was great.

Among the songs, one in particular stuck. Actually, I've been loving Dave Matthews Band's Where Are You Going for a couple of days now. Hearing that song tonight (or last night) made me think about the thousands of homeless people affected by the typhoon, with nowhere to go. I watch the news every evening when I can, and it's tough to see the devastation that Ondoy has brought about. Rebuilding a nation, both physically and psychologically is a tough task. But as they've said, we are a resilient people. We'll make it through this challenge, just like we've made it through everything else.

If along the way, you are growing weary,
you can rest with me until a brighter day

On a personal note (yes, this is my blog and my ego dictates that everything has to have something to do with me), I guess the song title is a question I've been asking myself lately. No, I'm not confused. Yeah, I'm sure I'm not confused. I'm just wandering around.

Where are you going? Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers, for reasons under the stars?

This is a little dilemma brought about again by the fact that I like to think ahead. I hate how when I find myself one place, I feel the need to know why I'm there, and where I'm headed next. The computer scientist in me loves algorithms and a logical sequence of events. But life is just so effing crazy, and not everything has logic in it. I want to stop thinking, planning, and figuring out and just live everyday instead.

I am no Superman, I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure

So maybe I'm giving spontaneity a try, and it's turning out to be good. I just need to get used to not having such a tight grip on everything and everyone for once. Thus my current motto is simple: LOOSEN UP.

But I do know one thing, where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go, is where I want to be

*Incoherent post, I apologize. My brain cells aren't quite working right.

Define Disaster

Saturday morning was dark and rainy. I woke up after 3 solid hours of sleep and started preparing for the UP Manila Organizational Communication 25th anniversary conference.

And the next 24 hours turned out to be one of the weirdest days of my life.

I got to school early, as my dad took pity on me and gave me a ride. The conference was good, and it was nice to listen to the speakers. But even as the conference was ongoing, we were already receiving news from outside about the flood. By 11 a.m. the water level in Pedro Gil was waist-high. I had also received news from home that floodwater had entered the car and our house--a first since we moved here 11 years ago.

After the conference, all of us were stranded. There were 8 of us in the group--Dien, Jaypee, Chris, Eunice, Monica, Brian, Jhama, and I--all OrCom shiftees. We didn't have anything to eat in school, so we decided to brave the knee-deep waters of Padre Faura to get to Rob. When we arrived, half of the stores were either closed or closing. We hit the department store because my companions needed to buy slippers. Luckily, I had a pair in my bag. How I wished I'd packed extra clothes as well.

CAS Parking Lot and Oblation Garden

After a long debate on where to eat, we settled for Shakey's. We had lunch at 3:00 p.m. and killed time until 6 at the restaurant because we didn't know where else to go. By around 7 p.m. we all wanted to go home. Jhama hitched a ride with a friend (but they were stranded for hours on the road), and the rest of us wanted to get to UN to take the train or to Monica's dorm. The water was so deep by then and the handful of vehicles passing through generated monster waves so we stopped over at CAS where we learned that people were sleeping over, so the 6 of us decided to stay, while Monica braved the flood to get to her dorm.

The sleepover was generally fun. Jaypee and Brian went out to buy supplies (i.e., toothbrushes, soap, clothes, etc.). I opted to sleep in my slacks, turtleneck top, and blazer. Aside from RH looking more like a refugee camp than anything else, we were okay. We ate countless packs of pizza-flavored Baked Sticks (they were a sponsor for the OrCom conference). Baked Sticks while waiting for dinner, Baked Sticks as a midnight snack, Baked Sticks for breakfast. I swear, we had a lifetime supply. I don't think I even want to see a pack of those corn snacks within the next few months.

We stayed in a room with the 3rd year OrCom, which were a fun bunch. They watched a movie and played games. We talked and took pictures and tried to sleep as best as we could on wooden armchairs. Power went off at around 2 a.m. but was quickly restored. At around 3, my neck was burning from my awkward position, and the floor was too cold to lie on. I got some decent shuteye at the RH lobby, when Brian and I decided to sleep on the benches.

This morning, I woke up at 6 only to find out that RH was a dead spot for Sun, and I got news from home that the waist-high floodwater had receded at around 8. I decided that I couldn't wait any longer and made it to the LRT. Even in the morning, the knee-deep water along Taft is scary. One particular bus spectacularly splashed me with a flood-water wave and I was so disgusted that the corporate attire I had been wearing for more than 24 hours was now splattered with sickly-green floodwater. But I made it home, helped with the cleanup, collapsed into a 4-hour sleep, I think, and finally had my bath.

So thank you to the people who made this otherwise horrible experience fun for me. To my shiftee friends mentioned above, for the Ultimate Bonding Experience, as well as the OrCom people for the instant sleepover; to the CAS guards and the DAC faculty--Madame Mikee Inton, Ms. Anna Aclan, Mr. Jan Bernadas, Prof. Chadwick Sy Su, Ma'am Adeva, Ma'am Pulumbarit, Dr. Bautista, and the rest whom I might have forgotten--for checking in on us, and for the people who kept me company through text (aside from my parents who were concerned and nagging at the same time).

What a day. It was some adventure, but that was nothing compared to what other Filipinos are experiencing right now. A lot of areas are still submerged in flood, there have been landslides, and people are missing. Let's all reach out to help and pray for the victims of Ondoy.

And for my kapwa Pinoys, we really can't blame nature for this. A lot of this is our fault, so let's stop illegal logging, littering on the streets, and even spitting just about anywhere. This country is all we have, why can't we seem to take care of it?

UPDATE:
For those who want to help,
here's a list of some organizations you may contact.
For my schoolmates, the CAS SC and other orgs are collecting donations.

Partly Cloudy

Two minutes before I'm set to leave and I decide that I want to blog.

I've been so unpredictable lately, a lot like the freaking weather. It's scorching sunlight one minute and torrential downpours the next. It's been ruining my outfits, haha. I don't even know what to wear anymore, and my bag contains more of my wardrobe than my school stuff--shades, a pair of slippers in case it floods, and a jacket. Yes, unpredictable like the weather. So unpredictable that even I don't know what to expect from me anymore.

I'd rather not go into the details of my life right now, as I'm tired of my stories--and so are the people whom I've been dumping on for the last two weeks (thanks friends). If anything must be said about my life, it's pretty fine. Steady progress. I'm actually starting to feel the demands of schoolwork, the unique pressure that only the last weeks of a semester can impose on a student. Yeah, I'm looking forward to sem break and I want to get things over with.

Oh, and yeah, I've been tumbling too. Visit it if you want. I'm just reblogging stuff all the time anyway.

So there. Hello life. I'm generally at peace with it and with myself right now, save for the questions that I can't help but ask sometimes. Mostly they start with why. But hey, no use in beating myself over it. I still hate not understanding, but over the last couple of years I've learned to accept the fact that there are some questions you'll never get the answers to. And some questions you don't want to know the answers to, as well.

So I'm fine with lazy afternoons like this one--watching a blinding setting sun that reminds me of the Little Prince though my bedroom window, or some place where I'm hanging out. John Mayer, The Weepies, Dave Matthews Band, and the Goo Goo Dolls are singing to me, while my head feels heavy and drunken with thoughts I don't feel the need to think about. I just let them float around.

Me too. I'm still afloat, and I'm perfectly fine. And the world spins madly on.