Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Breadcrumb Trail

Yeah, I've taken to blogging in the predawn silence once again. There's just no better cure to a pounding head full of problems I'm never going to solve anyway.

Way to go. Where to go?

I like signs. When I go places, I always take pictures of signs. It's just good when you know where you're heading. But hey, sometimes signs can betray you too. If you're stupid enough to over-analyze them, at least. Like me, for example.

It gets to the point of so much confusion for me, that I get lost and kind of scared, and pissed off, and I give up on it. I walk away. Because hell I figured, there are so many places and ways to go anyway. But everywhere is too far out, so what's the difference?

Where I am right now is a good place. No regrets whatsoever. Because maybe this is how it's really supposed to be. That was how it was.

I guess I sort of miss the dawn hours, and whatever came with them. And I'm glad I tried to look in that direction, even if for most of the time it felt like being led by breadcrumbs--I never knew whether the pieces were just plain scattered, or whether I was going anywhere at all. I'm glad I looked, because I guess I found something good, too. And for someone who is so used to hiding, I allowed myself to be found, in some way.

I just wish--even if it might not have made any difference--well, I just wish I'd bothered to ask for directions. It would have saved me from having to wonder, as I do now.

This whole confusing confused blog brought into mind one of my favorite poems.

(for Paz Marquez Benitez)
by H.O. Santos

If I still think of her today
Why didn't I tell her long ago?
I could have saved all wondering
For I'd have peace if I did know.

If I had learned of metaphors
Before I wondered 'bout the stars
Would I have written verses then
And worshipped Venus instead of Mars?

If I had found my tongue could rhyme
Would I have shown a face sans mask,
A heart unsure? But woe is me--
I'll never know, I didn't ask.

Indeed, I didn't ever ask, did I?


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rz fortajada said...
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