Yeah, I've taken to blogging in the predawn silence once again. There's just no better cure to a pounding head full of problems I'm never going to solve anyway.
Way to go. Where to go?
I like signs. When I go places, I always take pictures of signs. It's just good when you know where you're heading. But hey, sometimes signs can betray you too. If you're stupid enough to over-analyze them, at least. Like me, for example.
It gets to the point of so much confusion for me, that I get lost and kind of scared, and pissed off, and I give up on it. I walk away. Because hell I figured, there are so many places and ways to go anyway. But everywhere is too far out, so what's the difference?
Where I am right now is a good place. No regrets whatsoever. Because maybe this is how it's really supposed to be. That was how it was.
I guess I sort of miss the dawn hours, and whatever came with them. And I'm glad I tried to look in that direction, even if for most of the time it felt like being led by breadcrumbs--I never knew whether the pieces were just plain scattered, or whether I was going anywhere at all. I'm glad I looked, because I guess I found something good, too. And for someone who is so used to hiding, I allowed myself to be found, in some way.
I just wish--even if it might not have made any difference--well, I just wish I'd bothered to ask for directions. It would have saved me from having to wonder, as I do now.
This whole confusing confused blog brought into mind one of my favorite poems.
DEAD STARS(for Paz Marquez Benitez)by H.O. SantosIf I still think of her todayWhy didn't I tell her long ago?I could have saved all wonderingFor I'd have peace if I did know.If I had learned of metaphorsBefore I wondered 'bout the starsWould I have written verses thenAnd worshipped Venus instead of Mars?If I had found my tongue could rhymeWould I have shown a face sans mask,A heart unsure? But woe is me--I'll never know, I didn't ask.
Indeed, I didn't ever ask, did I?