Post Drinking Session Dissonance

As I've learned in my interpersonal communication class, there is this thing called post-decision dissonance. If I've learned anything right in class, this simply pertains to the doubts one encounters after making a particular decision. This is usually where rationalization kicks in, and you find that you're defending yourself against, well, your own arguments. Happens to all of us, doesn't it?

In class, we were given the compulsive shopper example. But since I am among the rare subspecies of females/human beings in general who do not derive utter joy from draining my wallet in one shopping session--I'm more of the type who takes light years to decide on whether or not to buy even just a shirt--I really couldn't relate to it. Last Thursday night/Friday morning though, I realized that I might have found another common illustration.

You've probably heard of the Latin phrase in vino veritas, translated in English as in wine there is [the] truth. The most common explanation for why people do the stupid things they do when they're drunk is that it's their natural self coming out, with all their repressions thrown out the window.

Cuervo not included in this shot.

After all, it's so easy to say "oh, I was drunk, I didn't even know half of what I said". I don't know, but I'm still pretty unsure about that one. I'm certainly no expert when it comes to drinking. Sure, I might forget more than half of what I say when I'm drunk, but the things I do remember, well, they are all true.

Case in point: so I got emo-drunk at our batch party and I ended up doing a monologue of sorts. It's all hazy, but thinking back I realized that a lot of the things I said were honest as hell and that it was the first time I had ever shared those kinds of thoughts to a group of people I barely knew.

 

I know the alcohol had probably killed way too much of my repressive brain cells at the time, but I don't lay the blame on it entirely. I know I made a conscious decision to start talking, and I know for a fact I was still able to filter what needed to be filtered (well, with some people anyway).

So I don't know. Maybe alcohol is what leads us to betray ourselves. But we shouldn't absolve ourselves from all responsibility for the things we do or say. (Unless, perhaps, you've drunk enough to be in a coma, but  then at that point you can't really do or say anything, so nevermind).

The thing is, we wouldn't even have to worry about this if we weren't hiding so many things in the first place. As for myself, I was embarrassing, but ask me right now and I can tell you the exact things I shared that morning. I wasn't really hiding them, just not so keen on sharing them to everyone.

But seeing that the world is so full of people who are so good at hiding and not expressing what they really feel, maybe we should all hold a worldwide drinking session so we can let it out. I'm kidding, of course. I'm pretty sure that would do more harm than good--imagine learning that your best friend is harboring some secret desire for your mom or something like that.

All I'm saying is that, if it's not really criminal, abhorrently immoral, or devastatingly hurtful, try letting it out. Don't wait for the empty bottles to betray you into spilling what you've kept  bottled in for so long.

Cheers to a Merry Christmas folks.

And regards from me and my drinking buddies. They'll hate me for this. Hahaha.

CREDITS: All photos in this post (and in the one before this, too) are courtesy of Ria Landingin.

December-Ender

Yay it's Christmas! Well, not really, but it's the Christmas break for me anyway, and I've managed to start it in the craziest way possible. Since I'm too lazy for any kind of story telling, I'll just give you a quick rundown of my school December-ender.

There was the UP Manila Lantern Parade, most of which involved running along the streets and chanting my lungs out. I'd hoped to attend the parade with my ComSci friends this year, but due to some last-minute night out planning and a general feeling of laziness, I ended up going alone. Fortunately I met up with an OrCom friend and we had a couple of hours of lantern parade fun. Our college never wins, but well, I love CAS all the same.

I didn't even get to finish the parade since we had to leave for Pateros, where we held our OrCom batch Christmas party. Turned out to be one epic night. I can't really go into any details for the sake of our reputations. Suffice it to say that we spent the night (and the wee hours of the morning) having mini-concerts and embarrassing ourselves in ways we never even thought we knew how. Watch out for my next post for my personal experience about this. Hahaha.

This batch is love.

The last few moments of the morning were a blur for me, all I know is I woke up at noon with nearly all my batch mates gone. I ate a very late lunch at my friend's house, then set off to find my way home and got lost on the jeepney ride from Pateros to Guadalupe. I missed my stop and went on a round trip with the super-friendly driver, Manong Vicente. We sort of bonded and I think I gained myself a new friend, as well as a tour of Kalayaan Avenue and the Guadalupe Makati area.

What else can I say, except it was a pretty good way to end the year with my school friends. Sometimes, my life is just awesome.

The Flip Side of My Pillow

Oh boy did I miss my blog. This time the hiatus wasn't due to any introspective revelations or personal issues and all that shit. Simply put, I am now officially an OrCom major. With just about a month since sem break, I  already have reams of photocopied reading materials, deeper-than-ever eye bags, and loads of papers and reports coming up. But hey, it's the life I chose. Apparently there's just no avoiding stress in my life, so I'd just go for the stress I love. No quitting now. This is really it.

Aside from trying to study seriously I've also been busy tying to build relationships with the new people around me, and maintaining the ones I already have. I guess it's been good, although I really need to bond more with my batch mates. Will make sure to get to that this sem.

Other than that there's nothing very new on my end. Well, other than my regular haircut (which my mom still hates), and a renewed state of poverty--the likes of which I haven't experienced in months. I'm broke as ever. But well, life goes on.

So let's go to today. Today is a lazy day. I wanted to go out but I decided against it, and as a result I'm stuck home in a restless, perpetually hungry sort of state. I can't even sit still to finish this movie I'm watching, and  I don't know if that's due to the fact that I've downed two cans of Coke Zero and too much chocolate in the last three hours.

I don't know. I think I'm supposed to be worrying about something right now, but incredibly, I'm not. I don't know if it's just the Christmas chill in the air (this, by the way, is my favorite kind of weather), but I feel hopeful. I feel as if life is just chock-full of possibilities at this point.

Sure, I've got problems. I'm the kind of person who never seems to run out of them, mostly because I like to make them. But at this moment, I think things will either settle, or fall apart so something better can come together. And that's all right with me.

On second thought, maybe this is just the Coke Zero talking. Oh well. ;)

FAIL Better

I've been gone for another while. My apologies, life kind of got in the way. Academic life, I mean. The last week of my sem was a seemingly endless downpour of papers, papers, and some more papers. Luckily, I got through it, and now I have more or less a week and a half before I have to go back to the toxic, mind bending UPM life.

I miss it already, actually. I'm not exactly a workaholic, but I could manage a week of staring at a computer screen, reading, shit-talking my way through papers, and gulping down bottle after bottle of Lipovitan. But I can't quite deal with hours and hours of nothing to do, no one to go out with, and everything to think about. Movies, every TV series I could think of, endless games—I'm just so tired of it. I've been meaning to write, but I've been putting it off, since my brain felt literally exhausted. I felt like I ran out of words for a while.

And then there's this other thing. I've been thinking about me, my relationships. Well, one in particular. Lately, I've been putting such a strain on the person I value most, and it's because of this irrationally insecure side of me that I can't ditch. I've been so busy comparing myself to others—and thinking about how I don't even come close—that I've quit trying.

That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged for so long too. I felt like I didn't have anything good enough to say, so I didn't even start. I don't know why I'm like this with the people—and things—that I love most. I want so much to be the best that it feels like an all or nothing deal. I keep on waiting for the right time, for when it's all perfect and proceeding according to plan.

Who am I kidding? That's never going to happen.

Let's face it. Life is unfair. I'm never going to get that edge. I'm going to have to earn it. I'll just have to keep trying—and die trying if I need to. So, I'm still a failure. I'm not great; hell I'm not even good.

But I think, that nobody is perfect, really. And the few people who seem have it all good are bastards who managed to grab all the luck. Haha. But really,  I don't take it against them. For us normal people, failure is a fact of life. So if you're not failing, you're probably not even trying enough. Live a little. Try and fail some more.

  Just keep swimming. Or something like it.

And besides, there are just some things (and, say, a certain person who happens to be YOU), that I love too much to quit on. So I'm back. Yeah, you know what I mean.

Where Are You Going?

Don't hide away like an ocean
that you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of the waves crash down

I've gone missing for a few days, for two main reasons. One is that our internet connection sucks bigtime. Haha. It was down for two days, hence my social networks have all been abandoned.

Reason number two is that I've taken to volunteering in the past three days. Since Tuesday, I've been in UP Manila, repacking goods for distribution to Cainta tomorrow. It's sad that my parents didn't allow me to volunteer for deployment. But well, I'm glad I was able to make the most out of my week-long break. Unfortunately, making the most out of my week does not include finishing (or even starting on) any of my academic requirements. Am gonna have to cram during the weekend after all. *Sigh*

* * * * *

After a particularly dragging (and ever so slightly awkward), but fulfilling day in school, I went straight to watch and help set up for a gig somewhere in Makati. It was more of tambay time than helping out. I went there to clear my head, but as usual, I couldn't squeeze an ounce of insight from Borgs and his band mates. At least the music was great.

Among the songs, one in particular stuck. Actually, I've been loving Dave Matthews Band's Where Are You Going for a couple of days now. Hearing that song tonight (or last night) made me think about the thousands of homeless people affected by the typhoon, with nowhere to go. I watch the news every evening when I can, and it's tough to see the devastation that Ondoy has brought about. Rebuilding a nation, both physically and psychologically is a tough task. But as they've said, we are a resilient people. We'll make it through this challenge, just like we've made it through everything else.

If along the way, you are growing weary,
you can rest with me until a brighter day

On a personal note (yes, this is my blog and my ego dictates that everything has to have something to do with me), I guess the song title is a question I've been asking myself lately. No, I'm not confused. Yeah, I'm sure I'm not confused. I'm just wandering around.

Where are you going? Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers, for reasons under the stars?

This is a little dilemma brought about again by the fact that I like to think ahead. I hate how when I find myself one place, I feel the need to know why I'm there, and where I'm headed next. The computer scientist in me loves algorithms and a logical sequence of events. But life is just so effing crazy, and not everything has logic in it. I want to stop thinking, planning, and figuring out and just live everyday instead.

I am no Superman, I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, oh, that's for sure

So maybe I'm giving spontaneity a try, and it's turning out to be good. I just need to get used to not having such a tight grip on everything and everyone for once. Thus my current motto is simple: LOOSEN UP.

But I do know one thing, where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go, is where I want to be

*Incoherent post, I apologize. My brain cells aren't quite working right.