Kamikaze Conversations

I am an introvert. It's kind of fun (in some vague sense) to be one--this way I have plenty of time to think. But lately I've been spending way too much time thinking and being my introverted self. My ever-so-disjointed schedule and long breaks are kind of alienating me from my friends, hence I have recently learned how to maximize my library nap times. But seriously, I have no plans of being a hermit and all this alone time is driving me crazy.

There are a lot of other people to talk to on campus, I know. But lately my slightly underdeveloped social skills seem to be rusting more than ever. Should I blame my ultra-introverted personality for this? I don't know. Maybe I'm just freaking out a little because I recognize the signs of reclusion and I really don't want to hide out right now. I want to dwell on these messed up thoughts, but not too much.

The best form of distraction, in my opinion, is to socialize. To talk about inane things and laugh at anything and everything--I do enjoy that too. But I've never been one to start a decent, fun conversation with acquaintances. I've never been the ice breaker--actually I've been more of just ice. I swear, people often tell me I look snobbish and galit sa mundo when I'm alone or in the company of strangers. Haha.

I just don't trust myself to make for witty, funny, or even just interesting conversations. I admit to being the kind of lame that would make your brain cells want to commit mass suicide. Sometimes I get annoyed at myself and it gets to the point that I don't want to talk anymore--even with people I kind of like--because I feel so lame. Err. Haha. I've had so much experience in killing small talk that it's bordering on expertise. I even term them kamikaze conversations, except that their death is unintentional on my part.

I guess I should do something to address this--I need my damn social skills back, or else I'll be heading nowhere--except the musty CAS library, to stare at the musty spines of brittle-paged books, and eventually, to get my much needed sleep.

But then, I'd rather be a laughing zombie than a well-rested hermit any day.

photo from Joe Bullinger.